Smokin' in the Boys' Room
by Spammi
Summary: Warnings: Slight AU, completely PWP, some mild language and 'adult' references. It has hot men in a confined space being hot...what more do you need to know?


_A/N: Okay, this is slight AU (and 100 PWP!), i.e. the characters are at school, and more or less the same age. But it's kinda like in X-Men, whereby it's a school that accepts their 'talents' (so Mustang can still make fire clicking his fingers)._

_Also, it's based rather loosely on the song "Smokin' in the Boys' Room" (Mötley Crüe version), so obviously there will be smoking (which btw, I do not condone). If you don't like the idea of FMA characters smoking, you know where the back button is ;)_

_Disclaimer: Don't own the characters or the song_

_Now, OWTF…_

_&&&_

Smokin' in the Boys' Room

Ed sighed and slumped forward on his desk, eyes trained on the clock. He was sure it was going backwards; how else could you explain why this lesson was taking so long to end? Or maybe it was because it was the last lesson before lunch? He shifted in his seat and leant his elbow on the desk, chin resting in his palm as he stared at the teacher dumbly. He yawned widely then glanced back at the clock, cheering inwardly when he saw that only a minute remained until he was free. 45 seconds…30…25… the teacher had increased her speed of talking, obviously aware of the time and wanting to finish what she was saying. Because it was obviously sooo important and interesting, Ed thought with a smirk as he looked around the classroom and saw that nearly everyone was falling asleep at their desks.

10 seconds…5…3…2… the moment the double bell rang, Ed was out of his seat, grabbing his bag, and pushing through the throng of people trying to escape.

"Ed! Ed, wait for me!"

Oh god, there was Winry, standing on tip toes and peering over people's heads, trying to get his attention. No doubt she wanted to ask him a hundred questions on his thoughts about the lecture. Ed put his head down and hurried on, pretending not to have heard her. Really, what was there to say about a lecture on not smoking, particularly on school property? Everyone knew that it was taboo, anyway.

Seeing a gap in the crowd, Ed quickened his pace and ducked up the stairs that led to the second floor. Apparently, few people had lessons up here, as the hallway was practically empty. Ed heaved a sigh of relief and adjusted his bag strap. As he wandered down the soon-empty hallway debating where to have his lunch today, he noticed a figure poking his head out of a classroom ahead of him, peering in the opposite direction from Ed down the hallway. He watched, intrigued, as the other boy scurried out of the classroom and into the boys' toilets. Wasn't that bathroom supposed to be closed at the moment? The boy suddenly reappeared from the boys' room and Ed recognised him as Cain Fuery – he was in Ed's year and was quite quiet and reserved. Ed didn't know much about him, apart from that he seemed to idolise a couple of boys a few years ahead of them, particularly the school rebel, Jean Havoc.

Still curious as to what his classmate was up to, Ed slowed his pace slightly, careful to work as quietly as his boots would allow him so he could sneak up behind Cain, who had moved to the doorway of the classroom he had recently evacuated.

"It's empty," Cain was saying. Ed wondered who he was talking to, and stopped several feet away from him.

"Did you check all the stalls?" Someone inside the classroom asked. Ed frowned as he tried to place the voice.

"Yes sir. The bathroom is closed 'cause some of them are out of order anyway, no one will be going in there."

"Good. Remember to keep watch in the hallway and tell us immediately if-" The mysterious speaker had stepped out of the classroom and Ed rolled his eyes when he saw who it was. Roy Mustang, resident pain-in-Ed's-ass. "Fullmetal." Roy said calmly in greeting. He turned to Cain. "Didn't you check to make sure no one was in the _hallway_ first?"

"I…yeah but…" Cain sputtered and looked at Ed with wide eyes, obviously worried that he was going to run and tell a teacher that he was breaking a school rule.

"Oh well, you probably just didn't see him," Roy commented, smirking at Ed.

Ed narrowed his eyes at the older boy, hands clenching into fists by his sides. "Who are you calling so short he couldn't eat shrimp because it would be considered cannibalism?"

Cain snorted with laughter, quickly putting his hand in front of his mouth to hide it. He had seen Ed angry before, and he didn't want to end up like Russell Tringham, who'd been carted off to hospital in an ambulance. Roy however, remained impassive. "No one called you short, Fullmetal, but I think you have a bit of a complex." He said as he walked past the blonde and towards the bathroom.

"My name is Ed!" Ed seethed behind him, but merely gained a vague hand wave over Roy's shoulder in response. Cain looked at Ed nervously, then hurried after Roy. Still curious about what was going on, and wanting to finish the argument victorious, Ed followed. He barged into the bathroom and saw Roy leaning against a sink, gazing at his nails coolly.

"I dunno what you're up to but I'll bet it's breaking the rules!" He said, unable to think of a decent snide comment so resorting to childish banter.

"What if it is?" Roy replied without looking up.

Ed crossed his arms over his chest, still glaring at the other boy. "I'll tell a teacher!"

Roy glanced up, one eyebrow raised, and gave Ed a look that clearly said 'ask me if I give a damn'.

Cain, however, had a much more satisfactory reaction. He squeaked and jumped back, eyes wide and rather resembling a deer caught in headlights. "Ohmygodpleasedon't!" He said shrilly.

Roy rolled his eyes and shook his head. "He won't," He said evenly, looking Ed straight in the eye. Ed's shoulders slumped. Okay so he wasn't a grass and Roy knew it, but still! He would've liked to have been able to instil at least a _bit_ of worry in him!

"Please Ed!" Cain seemed unable to accept Roy's comment, and was still pleading with Ed to keep their secret. "The teachers'll kill us!"

Ed sighed. "Okay fine, I won't tell. As long as you tell me what you're doing!"

"What does anyone else do in an out-of-order bathroom?" Roy answered. Ed's first reaction was annoyance – why did he always have to answer questions with questions? Then he felt a faint blush stain his cheeks as his mind registered what the older boy had said. He knew Roy had somewhat of a reputation for being a player, but this was a bit extreme, wasn't it. He blinked and looked away, still embarrassed, and saw Cain looking at him and miming smoking a cigarette.

"Oh!" Ed's eyes widened in realisation, and he was glad he hadn't mentioned his first thoughts. What a misunderstanding!

Roy shook his head, a small smirk once again playing on his lips. He glanced at his watch and sighed in annoyance. "Where is he?" He muttered. Ed noticed Cain's gaze flicker to the doorway and realised they were waiting for Jean Havoc. He might have guessed. The boy was always seen with a cigarette hanging from his mouth, albeit when he was in school it was unlit, uncaring of the fact that he was continuously told to remove it by teachers.

"Sorry I'm late," The door suddenly burst open and said boy bounded in. "Bradley had me working on the check-out counter in the library," he explained with an eye roll. "Boo-oo-ring!"

"Hi Jean!" Cain said with a grin. Jean looked at him and smiled back easily. "Hey kid,"

"Shouldn't you be keeping watch?" Roy reminded Cain, and with a fleeting look of awe aimed at Jean, the boy obediently took up his post outside.

Jean, however, remained oblivious to Cain's admiration, as he was looking at Ed curiously. "Hey, aren't you that 'Ed' guy? The one that broke several of Russell Tringham's ribs, his nose, not to mention the two black eyes?" Ed winced, remembering how badly he had injured the older boy. Roy responded for him, nodding once, and Jean simply shrugged, pulling a cigarette from his packet and handing it to his friend. "Cool."

Ed watched as he pulled out another. "Can I try?" He asked. Jean froze and raised his eyebrows at the blonde. Ed rolled his eyes. "Oh c'mon!" He held out his hand expectantly.

"You sure? You're just a kid, man…"

Ed huffed and snatched the cigarette from Jean's hand. Jean raised an eyebrow at Roy over Ed's shoulder, who simply shrugged, then clicked his fingers. Ed jumped as the cigarette he was holding was suddenly lit, then his eyes narrowed in determination as he raised it to his lips. He dragged in a deep puff, then grinned in triumph at the older boys. The triumph was short-lived, though, as he almost immediately started to choke. Roy snorted in amusement as he lit his own cigarette and took a drag.

"Yeah that generally happens first time you try," Jean said sympathetically. "Here, I'll show you how to do it," He pulled out his own cigarette and silently asked Roy to light it, then showed Ed how it was done. Ed watched carefully, then mirrored his actions, resulting in only one more less violent coughing fit. He smirked when he finally mastered the art, and relaxed against a sink.

For the rest of lunch the three boys remained in the bathroom, smoking and chatting idly. It came as a surprise when Cain poked his head around the door, pulled a face at the cloud of smoke hovering above his head, and informed them that lunch was about to end.

"Ah what the hell. You mind missing afternoon lessons?" Roy asked Jean, not bothered to attend his own lessons. Jean shrugged. "Nah, it's just History." Cain hesitated, looking torn. He knew he ought to go to his lessons, but loyalty made him want to remain on guard for his friends. "You can go, if you want," Jean said kindly. Cain grinned at him, nodded once, then left.

Roy made a derogatory noise and flicked ash from his cigarette into the sink. "He's such a geek,"

Jean frowned at him. "Hey leave him alone, he helps us out, remember?"

"Only because he's in love with you,"

"Whatever, man," Jean said, shaking his head. Honestly, Roy came out with some odd things sometimes.

Ed laughed at their playful banter, glad to have been accepted into their friendship.

_Two hours later_

Ed was laughing at Jean's impersonation of Mr Bradley, one of the strictest teachers in the school, when suddenly Cain barrelled into the bathroom, pale and nervously biting his lip.

"You have to get out of here! Miss Hawkeye wanted to know where Ed was in Math and somehow she knew he would be here!" He panted, having run up as fast as he could to tell them. "She's on her way, you hafta go!"

"Shit!" Jean jumped down from the counter upon which he had been sitting cross-legged and stubbed out his cigarette in the sink before chucking it into one of the loos. If Bradley was strict, Hawkeye was a million times worse!

"C'mon!" Roy urged and the three of them grabbed their bags, pelting out of the bathroom and almost straight into the scowling Miss Hawkeye.

"Well well well," She said with a glare, hands on hips. The boys gulped and exchanged nervous looks.

_FINIS_

&&&

_A/N: Sorry about the crappy ending, but I needed something that fit with the song. __-shrugs-_

_Song lyrics:_

_Sittin' in the classroom thinkin' it's a drag  
Listening to the teacher rap-just ain't my bag  
When two bells ring you know it's my cue  
Gonna meet the boys on floor number two _

Smokin' in the boys room  
Smokin' in the boys room  
Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules  
Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

Checkin' out the halls makin' sure the coast is clear  
Lookin' in the stalls-nah, there ain't nobody here  
My buddies Sixx, Mick & Tom  
To get caught would surely be the death of us all

Smokin' in the boys room  
Smokin' in the boys room  
Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules  
Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

_Put me to work in my school book store  
Check-out counter and I got bored  
Teacher was lookin' for me all around  
Two hours later you know where I was found _

Smokin' in the boys room  
Smokin' in the boys room  
Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules  
Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

Smokin' in the boys room  
Smokin' in the boys room  
Smokin' in the boys room  
Smokin' in the boys room  
Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules  
Everybody knows that smokin' ain't allowed in school

One more time

Smokin' in the boys room  
Smokin' in the boys room  
Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules


End file.
